Decline of the Western Civilization

Some things in life just don't always work out as planned. It's a fact of my life that, I'd venture to say, has proven to be true more times than not. In my thirty-six (almost thirty-seven) years on the planet, most things have ended up being completely different than I had originally intended. For instance, as a child I figured that by age twenty-five I would be a thin, long-haired 6'4" rock star with more women and money than God himself could ever fathom. As it turns out, I'm a disappointing 5'8", I'm bald with a George Costanza-like build, never made my bones as the next Sammy Hagar, and have - on more than one occasion this month alone - had a negative balance in my checking account.

So my life didn't turn out as planned. So what? I'm not the first person in history whose plans went awry. Take for example the person who came up with the idea for the internet chat room (which for this example, we will credit Al Gore before he pokes his head in here and credits himself). I'm sure that the original vision was this: People would gather from all over the world via the World Wide Web to discuss topics that were near and dear to their hearts, and they would share insights and ideas in a thoughtful manner, thereby strengthening the world community on a whole. The theory was that chat rooms and emails would bring back the art of letter writing and communicating with others. What happens instead is that in every chat room, herds of sexually-frustrated men with no self-esteem log on to these sites to communicate with women (who are, in all probability, other sexually-frustrated men POSING as women). They make lewd comments to each other and talk about the hot and steamy things they want to do to the other, should they ever meet in real life. And the act of making these lewd comments becomes increasingly difficult since they're typing with one hand and furiously whipping their own "hard drive" with the other hand. As a result, typos fly fast and furiously. "Oh yeah, baby. Take off your pankies." Then the other person has to decipher what the fuck "pankies" are, and then they type back how much they want to "sock your cuck"...it's just a mess. So basically, in their attempt to strengthen their communication skills, the opposite occurs. They misspell words, disregard punctuation and capitalization, they abbreviate words with wild abandon and use terms such as LOL and LMAO. These two abbreviations in particular really chap my ass. How difficult is it to type "That was funny" or even "Laughing Out Loud" as opposed to LOL? Sure, there are a few more letters in there. And maybe those who use these abbreviations really do find it hard to type complete sentences, given that they're really only using one hand...

But I thought that maybe, just MAYBE, fans of political banter would be different. So I went hunting for a group of passionate people who wanted to discuss politics on the internet. So I joined a chatroom, logged on under the ever-so clever screen name "MichaelRCrider" (to protect my true identity) and began chatting. Below you will find the result of my little experiment. I simply copied and pasted the text below so you could read it in its entirety. Only the names have been changed to protect the dumbfucks...

"MichaelRCrider" HAS JOINED THE GROUP
Country_Gal: Howdy
erecterset: wow this rooms dead today isnt it
MichaelRCrider: It's nice to see that we have a group of caring, concerned citizens in here. I've been looking for a place like this. Let's talk issues, shall we?
erecterset: hello
Country_Gal: Hmmm
Loco: Whassup
MichaelRCrider: I read a poll today which indicates that Hillary Clinton's lead is growing among African-American Democrats and particularly among black women. Thoughts?
Loco: I saw Justin Timberlake live last night. That wigga's brangin Sexy Back.
erecterset: hey country gal what you wearin
Country_Gal: I liked Justin better when he was in N Sync
MichaelRCrider: So the black vote isn't really a concern to you. Is that what you're all saying with your silence?
Country_Gal: I'm wearin spurs, cowboy hate, bandana and nuttin else. LOL
erecterset: lol how old are you country gal
Loco: Yo country, don't you mean "In Stink"? LMAO
MichaelRCrider: Moving on...it appears that Canada's antitrust agency is attempting to interfere AGAIN with Astral Media's acquisition of a number of Telemedia's stations. Astral is going to court claiming that the CRTC, not the Competition Bureau, has the authority to regulate media mergers. I know it's not the US, but how do you think that will affect future acquisitions here?
Country_Gal: I'm 18 baby! Barely legal. LOL
Loco: LMAO
erecterset: do you do phone
MichaelRCrider: Is anyone paying attention to a word I'm saying? Doesn't someone want to have an actual meaningful conversation?
Country_Gal: I don't do phone, but you can come to Mississippi anytime and see me! I seen your picture. Your hot!
erecterset: hey michaelrcridder f.u. man
Country_Gal: LOL
Loco: LMAO
MichaelRCrider: F.U.? No, I think you're mistaken. You must be looking for the Fordham University chatroom. But feel free to visit http://www.fordham.edu/. Perhaps they can help you there.
Country_Gal: Loco, I'm just playin'. I dig N Sync and Justin stuff both.
MichaelRCrider: I thought I would be able to have a grown up conversation here of all places. I guess it's just not possible in a chatroom full of mouth-breathing simpletons.
erecterset: i got ten inches of love for you country gal
MichaelRCrider: Fuck it. Who wants to see pictures of Britney's snatch? I've got them saved on my hard drive.
erecterset: i do
Loco: Fuck yea!
Country_Gal: Ooo, does she wax?
MichaelRCrider: LOL, LMAO and all that stupid shit. You ignorant fucks.